[Filter: Private]

It is a little strange, I guess. Knowin' Max for so long and all, I remember when he was real little, him and me and our brothers and his sisters and all the other families on the island. We used to run around the beaches and find shells together and fight over who got the last cookies on the tray and now he's ... all grown up. And Mathilda is, too. And ... I am, too, aren't I? I might not be fallin' in love or gettin' married any time soon, but ...

I'm glad it's Max, though. I really am. I know Max, and he's a good guy. He's always been real sweet and all, and ... Lillian's got the Church and I've got the Guard, so it's good that Mathilda's got something good for her, now, too.

[Filter: Private]

He's never going to reply, is he...?

Maybe it was true after all.

But I

I can't think about that now. I've got so much else to worry about. How can I tell people I can't focus right cause I'm upset about somethin like this? Only people with journals would understand at all, and no one here has got one. So I've just gotta ... deal with it. I'm a big girl, now, ain't that right?

[Filter: Mathilda]

Hey Mathilda, what's going on over there? Max has been writin some things and he's got me real worried and I want to know if you're okay or not, you hear??

[Filter: Private]

... Just cause he ain't written yet doesn't mean he ain't gonna.

All that stuff can't be true. How can I believe all that? How could someone be that nice and that awful at the same time? People can't be like that. Either you're one or the other. That's how it should be. Was he just acting, the whole time? But he never did anything to us, or to Papan. He could have ... and if he had, it woulda been all my fault, too.

He gave me this old axe before he went and he said that he was sure one day I'd learn to use it. I got through so many of those months just by rememberin' that. That Captain Garvey believed in me, so things couldn't be so bad. If he thought I could do somethin' with this and make somethin of myself ...

Was that all just a lie, too?

It can't be true ...

[Filter: Captain Garvey]

... If you're readin these at all, I know you musta seen those awful things they were sayin' about you, all those pages ago. If you didn't, then here's what it is: they're sayin that you're the one that hurt all those people in Hanalan. Lord Lawrence and all them and all those new courtiers from Floran too.

I don't know why you ain't written in awhile. I figured you're just busy finding ... treasures and all that, just like you said you always done. But you can't just let 'em say things like that ...

The only reason I can think of that you would is cause you ...

They said you were dead.

I hope you're not. Cause if you didn't do it, you need to come back and tell 'em all what's what. And if you did do it, then -- then you just deserve so much worse than what you got. Not just for all that, but for lying to everyone for so long, and -- and everything.

That's what I think.

[Filter: Private]

I think he's still mad at me.

I mean, he won't say he's mad. But he wasn't too happy when I said we had to go meet Lillian and Ally in the city neither! I know he had somethin' planned and I know I just don't want to know what it was. It woulda been awful, I know it. All awkward and too nice for me and everything ... he's too nice. Rick's a real nice boy, and he should go find himself a girl that wants to be treated nice like that, not a girl like me. I don't even know what I want and he don't deserve havin to put up with me while I'm still figurin' it out ...

I should be happy that he's mad, maybe he'll give up. But it just makes me want to fix things and that would be the stupidest thing because then he'll think the wrong thing and why is this so complicated?

I hate it!

Hey Mathilda! Max! I just wanted to write to say THANK YOU and that your stuff all got here okay! It was all in a huge delivery this morning, I think everyone got all their stuff from home all at the same, I swear! I hope you're having a good Festival over there! And I hope everyone here is having a good one too!! I've gotta run out soon and take everyone here their gifts but I just wanted you to know that I got it all okay!!

[Filter: Private]

... Oh.

I didn't even think about it, but the way Rick's acting he's got something real nice planned for the Festival, I think.

I don't know what to do for it. I don't even know what he'd like! He's gonna do something crazy he can't afford and I'm gonna look like a big mean idiot if I don't do anything but it ain't even like Lillian and Ally and Maire and Mathilda, I've got enough boys to buy things for with just my brothers! Boys are hard to buy things for. I don't know what he wants!

I didn't ask for any of this stupid responsibility.

And if I just ask them they're gonna give me all these nice ideas, maybe, and that's nice but then if I do something like that, he's gonna think it means that I'm way more interested and --

Why didn't I think of this coming up like this, I shoulda known he was going to find some way to make it all weird.

[Filter: Private]

If I had a ship and a crew of my own, I'd sail around and fight all of the pirates like those ones. I'd sink all their ships, and they wouldn't ever be able to hurt nobody like that again. I'd hunt them all down, every single one.

It's one thing not to like rules and just ... want to do whatever you want. Sail to wherever and find things no one's seen in forever, see things that no one else might ever see. Like Captain Garvey and that other pirate, racin' around just being free and finding treasures and all that! I understand that. But I don't understand why people have to hurt other people. Why would they do that? Those people never did nothing to no one ...

[Filter: Private]

I dunno.

He's kind of annoying sometimes followin' me around and stuff and it ain't like being with any of my other friends. I don't get why it's got to be different! I think he wants me to ... hold hands, and stuff, and I know just what everyone's gonna say if I say anything about it too. They're gonna say well why not, Raetha! Maybe it'll be good for you to have a boyfriend! But I don't get why you can't try being normal friends before that first, right? If I was sittin on a bench with Lillian or Ally or Mathilda or someone, we'd just be talkin and laughin and doing whatever. But Rick gets all quiet and dumb and fidgety and I'm not dumb, I know just what he's thinkin.

And then I just feel bad about it, like I should be doing something even when I don't want to do it.

But if I just stopped seein him I'd feel worse, too. That'd be awful of me. But I've got so much else to worry about, I can't be wasting time worrying about stuff like this, too ... I sort of wish Elizabeth had never gotten all this started like she did. I shoulda just said I'd figure my own thing out, and not done anything.

At least everyone's so busy, no one's gonna notice if I don't say nothing. Well, maybe Elizabeth would, but ... she ain't here anyway.

[Filter: Public]

You know, it's been about two months since I started really flying with Nym, and Sir Liram's been letting us do more and more. The more we do with it actually, I think the farther I'm getting ahead. Sir Liram says I must be a real natural. Some people are still stuck on taking off right even. I barely even gotta think about that anymore, we just sorta do it and when people ask what I do to make it so easy, I don't know what to tell 'em. I just do! And then they get kind of mad, like they think I'm hiding some great secret, but I'm really not. And


Actually there's somethin kind of funny about it. Lots of times the ones here that've done lots of horseback riding have more problems than the rest of us. I thought it'd make 'em better, but I guess it's so different that it just makes it harder for 'em, cause they've got to relearn some stuff and that's harder than learning it all from nothing in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that at all.

Neither did they I guess, but I don't blame 'em for being frustrated. I would be too.

WELL. I did it! I marched over to that restaurant and I went right back in that kitchen. And they told me I couldn't be there but I told 'em I didn't care one bit about where I was supposed to be and then I told 'em the whole story about Ally. And at first they weren't gonna listen! They just kept tryin' to tell me to keep my voice down and one of 'em tried to grab me and pull me out the back so none of the other people coud hear but I was too strong for that. And too loud, too!! Then when I mentioned that Lord Emery just felt awful they got real quiet cause I guess they remembered that name, huh?

Then they started listening a lot better, let me tell you!

So then they started askin' me questions, about when it was and what Ally ate and all, and they apologized about a thousand times and they told me to tell you especially that they're real sorry, Lord Emery! And you too, Ally. Then they said that you could eat there for free anytime and they'd make it up to you and all, they got Sir Benjamin to write a letter, he's the owner of the whole place! So I've got that for you, Emery. I think he apologized in there again too, but I didn't read it. I dunno if you're gonna want to eat there again or nothin after what happened but they were begging me to ask you not to tell everyone what happened cause then he said he'd just be ruined.

Well it'd serve 'em right. But I'll let you decide what to do now, I did my part!!

You know I've been thinking a lot about traveling lately. Not me, haha, I can't go nowhere, I've got my work to do and besides me and Maire and Ally made a promise, but ... lots of my friends are all out travelling from here and there, and Sir Cameryn and Dame Livienne are all running message all over and sometimes I just think about what it'd be like to really get a chance to just harness up Nym and ... go. Go anywhere! I could just fly all the way, or we could fly to the docks and we could take a ship, or ... something. That'd be really neat.

... Well, I guess the point of all this is that it's Wednesday! So, uh ...

So my question is all about places you've been! What's the farthest you ever went from home? What places did you like the very best? Or if you haven't gone far at all, where'd you most like to go?

I'd like to go to Razen, I think. Everyone says Razen is so nice and all, but there's no way it's a nice as Lucre is. But I feel like I should see it myself first just to be sure. That way when I say it people've got more of a reason to take me seriously or somethin'! Yeah. And lots of great ships sail to there and back, too ... so anyway, yeah, that's my answer. How about everyone else!

So, anyways, I think everything went really well on Sunday. I was still sort of nervous at first, and I think Nym really did notice, just like everyone said. But it wasn't horrible! Especially once we actually got in the air, and that was the most important thing, I think ... yeah. I think Sir Liram was impressed, but it's hard to tell. He really tries hard to treat everyone the same, and that's probably a good thing ... but I think I was one of the best ones. Especially of all the people that had to go with Nym! I think it's really obvious she likes me the best, and that's exactly what I wanted. ... I know that's sort of mean, but it's true. No one else knows what it was like, taking care of her when she was just a little baby ... feeding her and keeping her clean and making sure nothing hurt her. So I guess when I see her acting up with other people, but not so much with me, I just feel a little proud. Haha, it's like I want to tell everyone she's my baby, but I'd probably get in trouble for it so I keep my mouth shut. There are some people here that don't think it's fair, and they don't like me much, and if I said something like that out loud they'd just get worse about it.

But It's ...

[pause]

But you know, that might not be fair, that Nym likes me best, I mean ... but. Some of the people here, they're rich. They had a lot of money growing up, and they got the best teachers and they all read and write fast and neat and they're good with words. Some of them had real weapons instructors, to get 'em ready for coming here, and they're way ahead of me on that. That's not really fair, either. Just things like that, you know? So I think they can just deal with me and Nym and be happy with what they've got. Everyone here has something going for them or they wouldn't still be here.

I've said it before, but sometimes the people here can be really mean. Sometimes it just gets to me, I don't know. It's a good thing I've got Lillian and Ally here, and Maire and Lady Elizabeth too. No one wants to be friends here, no one's ever happy for each other. When something goes good for someone, it just means you have to work harder to get ahead of 'em again.

So ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that things went real well for me and Nym, but I think Sir Liram was the only one happy about it.

...

Really, I'm just not used to people being mean to me because they're jealous. Haha, I guess I should be happy about it, but ... sometimes I just wish people weren't so ... I don't know.

I'm the same way, I guess ... I want this just as bad as everyone else. I hope I never get that bad though.

Okay! Sir Liram says I'm scheduled for Sunday morning with Nym. Jeez, I was excited before, but actually having a real time to look forward to made it even worse. I didn't even think it was possible for it to get worse!! I really hope we do well. If we don't, then they're going to have me try with one of the other dragons, there's two more we use for training. They're retired, so they already know all the commands and all, but if I do real well with Nym it's going to look really good for me ... that'll be a big advantage. Nym was always my best advantage.

I mean, dragons are so rare, they don't got much to spare. So if the Guard ends up needing Nym, and I'm the best match for her ... I mean, it's not a sure thing at all. I'm still really new here, especially compared to some of the other trainees. I'm not as strong as some and I'm not as fast as others and I'm not a great writer and stuff and the Guard has to write a lot of reports ... but it's a big, big advantage and I really, really want it to work. And I can get stronger, and faster, and at least I can write.

Dragons, I'm actually sort of nervous now that I put all that on paper. It's really important. Maybe the most important thing that's happened here so far for me, even...

... Well.

I guess other than that not much is happening, but that already feels like so much I don't care much. Uh, I know some of you were wondering about what happened with Rick and me, well, it was okay. Roderick, I mean, but he hates being called that. Uh, yeah. We just went out for the day, most places were closed since it was the Day of Epiphany and all, but we don't have much money anyway. I still haven't seen all of Lucre though, so it was kind of nice just walking around and talking some.

Yeah, anyway, that's it!

Uhhh.

That boy from Elizabeth's House came by today, I guess, while I was off doing errands. That stableboy, Roderick? Well, no, I'm just supposed to call him Rick, but anyway, he left a message. I guess he isn't sure if I even remember him! Well, I do, but we both got busy and I haven't seen him in awhile ... and it's weird because we were just talking about this sorta thing, weren't we? Huh.

I've been thinking about it a little since then. He'll be back tomorrow, I guess. Maybe I should go out with him sometime or something.

[Filter: Private]

She didn't want to say much, but I think it made her feel better just that I offered, maybe. That's better than nothing. I guess we probably won't keep in touch. I might never see her again. That's weird to think about, but ... yeah.

[Filter: Public]

Well, Verana left yesterday. Thanks for all your advice, before. I think it really helped.

I found out today that Nym and I can start flying in about a month. I don't know why one month is going to make such a big difference, is she really gonna get that much bigger by then? She's already pretty big. I've seen full grown dragons that are smaller than her, now, so yeah.

I guess Sir Liram, he's our flight instructure, he must just have a schedule, or something...

... Oh.

They are sending Verana home. She just got her papers today. No one knows her here, I know, but she was nice ... everyone here is polite, mostly, but not everyone's nice, if that makes sense at all. I don't know. We weren't even that close but I guess I'm a little sad about it. She had a real good arm, she beat me in the field a couple times. She got sponsored from a temple up north ... she's real upset. She thinks they're going to be mad at her, that they wasted so much money on her, getting her fitted out and sent down and accepted and everything, but she's afraid of flying. I guess she never got a chance to check how she was with heights. Maybe they never thought of it since she's so good at everything else. I wouldn't have thought of it, probably ...

Some of the others are saying some things when she's not here to listen. That's what I mean when I say they're polite, to your face, but some of 'em ain't nice.

I don't know why I'm sayin' all this here. Maybe it's cause none of you do know her, so it's easier to talk about here, or somethin' like that.

[Filter: Private]

I know it means there's less to compete with, but still ... what's she gonna do when she gets home? It reminds me of me. I wouldn't have nothin' to do either. I guess most of the others don't got that problem, not really. They've all got something, even if all it is is just money, even.

It's weird. I want to be friends with everyone, but it's hard when you know every chance to get promoted that comes up might be the only one in years and years, and every other person here wants to be better than you to get it. Even if they have to make you worse, instead of making themselves better ...

Sometimes, I really don't like it. At least in Papan everyone had the exact same kinda chances.

[Filter: Private]

I can't believe it's already going to be a whole year. We've come a long way, me and Nym, but we've got a long way to go.

... Only two or three months, they said, before we can start flying maybe. Nym's not going to be big enough for two people, neither, at least not by then ... but I think I'm doing all right. I'm not scared of heights or anything like that. Verana's never going to make it, no matter how much money she's got, what good's a dragon rider that can't even fly higher than the rooftops? They're going to send her home, she has to be next.

But there's still more than just her. Joan and Cyr are both really good, and it's more than just being good at the lance and sword and flying and that, they're good with books and numbers and things, and I'm just not. I've got to get better at that. Nym's not really mine, even if everyone knows she is. She belongs to the Guard. If I'm not ready and they need her, they'll give her to someone else, I know they will.

There's time before that happens, but that's the problem, it's so hard to tell how much. I'm not anywhere near ready, but Joan and Cyr are, and maybe some of the others ...

I've just got to work harder. This is just too important to mess up.

All right, let's see. Here's the stuff I've got to do.

Help with feeding, but that's fun. Lots of the others complain but I like it, for some reason. It ain't boring like pouring oats in a bin for the horses. Then I got to work on inventory on the armor, we've got to separate it out into piles. Stuff that looks good, stuff that need repairs and stuff that needs to get sold out to be melted down and started all over. That don't need to be done till the end of the week but ... uh, it's already thursday, crap. ... Well, I'll get it done. I'll probably have to load a cart with the bad stuff and take a work order to the smithy, after ... but that ain't official, yet!

There's helpin in the kitchen, my nights are friday and sunday for the rest of this week, then tuesday, thursday and saturday next week. And uh every day I've got a whole list of things to do with Nymeria, but I don't need help remembering to do all that. That's my favorite stuff.

So I guess mostly you'd better just bug me to get that armor stuff done cause if it ain't done by Sunday I'm probably gonna get it.

[Filter: Private]

I guess I wouldn't mind seeing him again, but he'd better not be expecting me to cook for him again. That's not how it is at all.

[Filter: Public]

The hardest part about keepin a dragon of your own's gotta be feedin' her. I never seen so much food disappear that quick ever. Papan probably woulda thrown me out already for her, I bet~

It's hard cause she wants to go huntin', she's real restless, but you can't hunt in the city, all you're gonna get is somethin' you ... uh, shouldn't.

[Filter: Private]

What was I even thinkin, lettin her talk me into this.

I ain't even said a word to him before, who cooks for someone they ain't ever said anything to before, even? He's gonna think I'm crazy.

I always love the New Year's feasts 'n all, but I ain't ever gonna like having to pick up after it when it's over. Especially all the bird poo everyw [scribbled thoroughly out]

Nymeria ain't got a lot of complaints, though! I'm not supposed to give her lots of treats, but it ain't my fault if she sees somethin' before it gets swept up. I just hope she doesn't get sick, she doesn't know what's good for her, I swear.